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5 Fresh Right-Wing Outrages: Trump Surrogates Reach Hysterical New Heights

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5 Fresh Right-Wing Outrages: Trump Surrogates Reach Hysterical New Heights

Sean Hannity

Reprinted with permission by AlterNet. 

By week’s end, Donald Trump was celebrating the fact that everyone finally stopped talking about his tendency to grope women against their will. Instead, the conversation had moved on, to the equally damning fact that Hillary Clinton sometimes sends people emails, and those emails can be found on computers!

The horror!

Trump really needed that. Maybe the system’s not rigged after all, he told his supporters on Friday. Too late. The armed right-wing militias are already mobilizing to intimidate voters who look like they might be Democrats.

It was a good week for gun-toting right-wing freedom fighters everywhere—the white ones, anyway. The Bundy brothers and their merry band of mischievous pranksters were acquitted of charges stemming from their armed takeover of federal land in Oregon. It was, their supporters said, God’s will.

And former tea-partying Congressman Joe Walsh helpfully explained that when he suggested “grabbing a musket” if Trump loses the election, he didn’t really mean violence or anything. “That’s just silly,” he said. He just meant, you know, freedom, which is what right-wingers always mean when they suggest guns are a good way to settle political differences.

Here are some other gems from the week that was.

1. Trump surrogate Betsy McCaughey outdoes herself just one week after absurdly quoting Beyonce.

Even if Trump thinks the whole “nasty” topic of his tendency to sexually assault women is a thing of the past, his minions demonstrated perfectly that they will remain confused about what sexual assault is anyway.

Newt Gingrich reinforced his creepy image when he conflated sex and sexual assault in his dustup with mean ol’ Megyn Kelly on Tuesday. She’s “fascinated with sex,” he said, when the Fox anchor was talking about women’s safety. When he attends his consciousness-raising workshop explaining the difference, he should bring kooky Betsy McCaughey along as his plus-one. McCaughey, who last week tried to argue that if you like Beyonce’s music, you can’t complain about sexual assault, this week put forth the absurd proposition that accusing a man of sexual assault is “man shaming.”

Nope, this is not a joke.

“The polls show that Americans are not buying this roll-out of accusers and this bigger theme of man-shaming,” McCaughey told CNN’s Don Lemon about the women who have come forward to accuse Trump of assaulting them. Quick note: the polls were showing that voters do believe it, aided no doubt by the fact that Trump bragged about doing this very thing. Just saying.

Man-shaming, huh. That’s a new one.

“With all due respect, that was the same thing that the folks over at Bill Cosby’s camp said,” Lemon pointed out.

“Well, and sometimes they’re right and sometimes they’re wrong,” McCaughey countered.

Ummm, yeah. They were right.

2. Ted Cruz threatens the U.S. Constitution, because he loves it so much.

Ted Cruz, who for some reason has already forgotten that everyone including his own party detests him, floated an interesting idea this week. Maybe, if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, Senate Republicans really will just take all of their toys and go home and stonewall on any Supreme Court appointment she attempts to make. So there.

“There is long historical precedent for a Supreme Court with fewer justices,” Cruz said at a campaign event. “Just recently Justice [Stephen] Breyer observed that the vacancy is not impacting the ability of the court to do its job, that’s a debate that we are going to have.”

Cruz’s threat did not quite pack the punch of fellow tea partier Joe Walsh’s threat to “grab a musket” if the election does not go Trump’s way, but was more in Cruz’s trademark mealy-mouthed and thoroughly dishonest style.

For starters, there is no long history of that, and secondly, Breyer did not say that. The Senate’s inaction on Supreme Court appointees has severely and demonstrably affected the high court’s ability to do its job. Deadlocking on cases involving immigration and unions and other vital issues that have come before it means the court is literally failing to do its job, which is to decide things.

The Supreme Court is only the best known example of the harm GOP stonewalling has done to the judiciary. Republicans have confirmed only 18 of Obama’s federal court nominees, and created a “judicial emergency,” which is a term for when courts are so back-logged and caseloads are so high that Americans’ access to justice is endangered.

Cruz knows about this emergency and has gleefully propagated it. Unlike his idiotic fellow traveler, John McCain, whom Cruz was echoing, Cruz is a lawyer and touts himself as a constitutionalist, but for some reason it’s okay for him to ignore that part of the constitution that gives the powers of appointing justices to the president.

Can someone put Cruz back in the casket he sleeps in? He’s scaring the children.

3. Sean Hannity comes up with an insane and completely unnecessary conspiracy theory about the FBI email story.

By now, it is common knowledge among news junkies that the latest email mess for Hillary Clinton arose somewhat absurdly from a probe into Anthony Weiner’s alleged texting of his junk to underage girls. The fact that the latest piece of evidence is not Hillary Clinton’s computer; that the emails have likely been seen before; that they likely come from Huma Abedin and Anthony Weiner; and that they could well prove to be much ado about nothing is not sitting well with Sean Hannity.

“This story is total bull. I don’t believe this for a minute,” “Hannity sputtered in his usual zero-information mode. Making very little sense, Hannity seemed to be suggesting he does not believe the tie to the Weiner investigation.

“Maybe Huma didn’t take a sledgehammer to her devices the way Hillary Clinton did. But this is not what resulted in the reopening of this case. No way, shape, manner, or form.” (That always makes things sound more truthy, when you say “no way, shape, manner ror form,” we find.) He went on to ramble about Julian Assange and WikiLeaks.

Hannity said the Times report is all part of that massive media conspiracy to “preserve” Hillary Clinton’s innocence. Also in on that conspiracy are media outlets including Fox News, which have said, along with FBI director James Comey himself, that the emails may not be significant. Comey is already under fire for calling attention to these emails and fueling the false hopes of rabid anti-Clintonites everywhere that Hillary is being investigated again.

It’s a tenuous mess, as is Hannity’s ever-loosening grip on reality.

4. Trump sycophant has the nuttiest justification for sexual assaults yet.

Having first bonded over insane conspiracy theories about President Obama, Trump and right-wing Christian nutjob Wayne Allyn Root have been bosom buddies every since.

Kind of literally.

In an interview with The Real Side radio this week, Root spouted some fairly unhinged theories about Trump’s “godliness” and whether a fellow as good looking as the Donald would engage in sexual assault. Clearly Root, who once ran for president as a Libertarian, is one of them deep thinkers.

Despite the fact that Trump openly (and let’s face it, rather pathetically) bragged about groping women to Billy Bush, Root told his equally bonkers host Joe Messina that Trump doesn’t even have to assault women, because he’s “one of the handsomest billionaires that’s ever lived.”

Hmmm. All kinds of crazy are packed into that statement.

Demonstrating some more contortions, Root explained how Christians ought to feel about Trump’s behavior, because they’re doing it wrong.

“If you’re a Christian, you just can’t spend your life worrying about the words of Donald Trump from 11 years ago, or what women he groped 30 years ago,” Root said. “I don’t think he ever had to grope a single woman ever. I think they threw themselves at him.”

There are 12 women and counting who definitely say otherwise, and even Trump isn’t suggesting they “threw themselves” at him.

Root allowed that Trump is not exactly “a perfect Christian,” but that doesn’t mean he’s not part of God’s ingenious plan. He is “the perfect guy sent from God and from central casting to be the vicious guy we needed to save America, save capitalism, fight the Clinton crime cartel and save Christianity from these vicious, vicious people,” Root said, as he spun out of control. “Only a dirty player could win the war, so I think Donald’s the perfect guy, sent by God to fill the perfect role and save us all.”

So that just about clears all of that up.

5. Wittle Donnie Trump’s feewings are hurt by Saturday Night Live.

In a huge blow to the comedy world, the very unfunny Donald Trump does not think he’s going to appear on Saturday Night Live anymore. Not even if they beg. And they will beg, believe me.

While many are howling with laughter at Alec Baldwin’s Trump portrayal in the show’s debate skits, Trump has been pouting about it.  Actually, come to think of it, Alec Baldwin does a pretty good imitation of that pout, too.

Here’s the thing: Trump suffers from what can only be seen as the delusion that he is a nice guy. We’re told that Hitler also considered himself a regular sweetheart.

“I think I’m a much nicer guy than he’s portraying,” Trump told Extra. “He’s portraying someone who’s very mean and nasty, and I’m not mean and nasty. I think I’m a much nicer person than he’s portraying.”

The word “nasty” has revealed itself to be one of Trump’s favorite adjectives, along with huuuuge, beautiful and rigged. Also bad and mean.

“I’m not interested in going back,” he said. “They’re making me out to be a very mean, bad kind of a guy.”

Actually, they are making you out to be a ridiculous kind of guy, Donald. New adjective for you.

Photo: Sean Hannity speaking at the 2016 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in National Harbor, Maryland. Flickr/Gage Skidmore



  1. Aaron_of_Portsmouth October 30, 2016

    Which all goes to prove that in light of such luminaries of the realm of lunacy such as the GOP and its pundits, and the hoi polloi like InformedVoters, the Box’s, and that robotic personage AgLander, the primeval and atavistic impulse to resort to violence and verbal assaults are bursting, like lanced boils that have formed all over the surface of skin of conservative land.

    The more reasoned and intelligent among us would do well not to imitate their immature acts, demeaning mannerisms, and vitriolic responses—responses and attitudes which are consonant with satanic vices, and have nothing to do with virtuous conduct.

    Satanic virtues, vices, and attitudes regrettably find fuller expressions in Trump and those who support him, despite the fact that all of us have these tendencies inherent within us as human beings.

    That which will distinguish the followers of the “Light”, or those who are inclined to lean that way, from those intent on following “Darkness” and one of its chief generals, Trump, will be a sense of nobility without having to proclaim it, and will be evident in our conduct.
    This is the quality beloved by God, and not satanic virtues like belligerence, bigotry, misogyny, racialism, greed, and an inflated ego.

    I eagerly look forward to protestations from the followers of the “Darkness”, and from others who might be annoyed and can be expected to respond with howls.

    1. 788eddie October 31, 2016

      Exceptionally well written, Aaron. Thanks.

      1. Aaron_of_Portsmouth October 31, 2016

        I thank you for lending to me your energy.

    2. Jon October 31, 2016

      You may not get a reply from InformedVoter, Box, AgLander, or any of the other lovable miscreants. I think today is Bible study and prayer day with Wayne Allyn Root. Who knows maybe study and prayers will end early enough some may still make it.

      1. Aaron_of_Portsmouth October 31, 2016

        Yes, they remind one of weeds. When it looks like they’ve been removed, they spring up again. Maybe if we say “EMAILS FOUND…!”, that may stimulate them to rise up with glee.
        Uh, Oh—Looks like the Donald has his own email issues. Oh dear!

  2. patricia.kibler October 30, 2016

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  3. Dan S October 31, 2016

    Dang when I see Alec Baldwins Trump it’s like I’m watching the real deal. He actually can pull it off. The good news & bad news is Trump will stay in the news for sometime well after the election is over & President Hillary Clinton is in the Oval Office. With that being said Alec Baldwin will become a regular fixture portraying Trump on SNL for some time

    1. Aaron_of_Portsmouth October 31, 2016

      Alec is the definitive impersonation of Donald, much like David Frye was of Nixon.

  4. Jon October 31, 2016

    Talented in his own mind legal scholar Ted Cruz is a new breed of crazy. He once wrote a legal brief about a subject fathomable only to those seeking lofty ideals and spirituality. Certain that he possessed the gift from God to know the unknowable about vital questions facing American society, Cruz searched for the feelings, attitudes, and beliefs of our nation’s founding fathers about masturbation. After much prayer and conjuring up the spirits of those at the Constitutional Convention Cruz divined that they weren’t really in favor of it. It’s reassuring to know that deep thinkers like Cruz are running our nation.

    1. PrecipitousDrop November 1, 2016

      Remember former Texas Governor Rick Perry — “Oops!” Perry from the debate in 2011?
      Yeah. That guy.
      Even absent minded Rick Perry is pushing up a candidate to take Cruz’ senate seat in 2018. I guess Rick Perry and Ted Cruz don’t worship the same Jesus if they both claim divine guidance. Or, maybe it’s just a Texas thing.

      1. rose.presle November 1, 2016

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      2. Jon November 1, 2016

        If either one actually believes in the teachings of Jesus and apply those to their daily lives, I missed it. They are, or at least pretend to be, religious. I don’t know what religions they believe in.

        1. PrecipitousDrop November 1, 2016

          I believe the popular term is “Prosperity Gospel”, or something nutty like that.

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