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Trump’s Spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway Returns From Exile

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Trump’s Spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway Returns From Exile

Kellyanne Conway, Alternative Facts

For a whole surreal week, Kellyanne didn’t appear on television anywhere. Apparently the gag order came straight from the top.

It was so unfair, not to mention untimely. Yanking her off the air robbed the country of a burgeoning comic icon at a time when we desperately needed to laugh.

Kellyanne had always been there for us, on practically every network newscast — day or night — spouting easily disproven falsehoods with glazed conviction. She was reliably unreliable, and her appearances became an improbable source of humor and comfort.

We were amazed how swiftly she was able to dash from one live interview to the next. She seemed to possess a supernatural sixth sense that alerted her whenever a TV camera crew was in the same zip code.

It was Kellyanne who first described the administration’s daily lies and misstatements as “alternative facts,” a fantastic concept hatched in what is obviously an alternative universe.

It was Kellyanne who introduced us to the “Bowling Green massacre,” a terrorist attack that never occurred, despite her repeated references to it. (In 2011 a pair of Iraqi men were arrested in Bowling Green for plotting to ship money and weapons to al Qaida in Iraq. There was no attack on the Kentucky city, except perhaps in Kellyanne’s imagination.)

It was also she who declared that soon-to-be-fired national security adviser Mike Flynn had “the full confidence of the president.” No one but Kellyanne was remotely surprised when Flynn got canned soon thereafter.

For sheer entertainment, though, it was hard to improve upon Kellyanne’s spontaneous on-air pitch for Ivanka Trump’s fashion products after Nordstrom announced it was dropping the line.

“Go buy Ivanka’s stuff is what I would tell you,” Kellyanne chirped on Fox & Friends, adding, “I hate shopping. I’m going to get myself some today.”

She proudly characterized her riff as a “free commercial,” a clue that she was hilariously unfamiliar with the ethics rules prohibiting White House staff from endorsing products or companies.

But that’s exactly the sort of carefree jabbering that makes her so darn fun to watch.

We were crestfallen when Kellyanne got blackballed by CNN after her Bowling Green hallucinations, and we were elated when they let her back on the air. Then we were crushed again when she was banished from MSNBC’s Morning Joe for habitually saying false things.

Talk about a double standard. Kellyanne’s boss says false things all the time, yet he’s never been barred from any TV programs.

Just a few days ago the president stood before a pep rally in Florida and denounced a non-existent terror attack in Sweden. The folks in Stockholm were just as baffled as the folks in Bowling Green.

It was reported that the Trump pulled Kellyanne out of circulation because she’d strayed “off-message.” This is like Keith Richards firing a roadie for rolling a messy joint.

Sources are now telling reporters that Kellyanne had become a pest by calling up producers and trying to book herself as a guest on news shows, instead of waiting for an invitation. Evidently, all the attention she received during the presidential campaign left her addicted to the bright lights of broadcast studios.

Being silenced by the White House must have been devastating. We are left to wonder if, deprived of video contact with Mika Brzezinski and Jake Tapper, Kellyanne suffered clinical symptoms of withdrawal.

We could almost picture the poor woman reeling and adrift, cornering strangers in Starbuck’s and delivering a feisty if not factual defense of whatever the president happened to say or do that day.

It’s better to imagine that she remained stoic during her week-long exile. Radiant in Ivanka’s Mother of Pearl fan bracelets, or perhaps the Rainbow Moonstone pendant, Kellyanne would have posed defiantly in front of the bathroom mirror.

Interviewing herself, and believing every muddy answer.

But now she’s back on television, flashing that lovable rictus grin and denying that the White House kept her off the air. The queen of alternative facts is all fired up, and totally “on message.”

America is ready to laugh again.

IMAGE: Counselor to U.S. President Donald Trump, Kellyanne Conway prepares to go on the air in front of the White House in Washington, U.S., January 22, 2017. REUTERS/Carlos Barria

Carl Hiaasen

Carl Hiaasen is an award-winning journalist, commentator, and novelist. Hiaasen has worked for the Miami Herald since 1976, and his writing focuses on environmental and corruption issues in his home state of Florida.

His latest book is Skink—No Surrender (2014).

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  1. dbtheonly February 28, 2017


    You may mock, and well done. But I see Kellyanne as a tragic figure.

    She is the ultimate outsider, a woman, in an unabashedly man’s world. Trump is a sexual predator, because he can. Bannon, right. The billionaires. She’s not in the “in crowd”

    So she tries to fit in. Desperately, she needs to fit in. Goes out and says what she thinks the Boss wants. But with no inside status or information, she’s left guessing. She sucks up to the Boss. She sucks up to the Boss’ Daughter. She’ll invent stuff in the attempt to make the Boss look good.

    Yes, this is her choice. As Aaron has pointed out, it’s a choice for an unworthy goal. And that’s ultimately sad to me.

    1. bojimbo26 February 28, 2017

      Roflmfao .

  2. InGen12 February 28, 2017

    Wondering if her week-long absence from TV was the WH-imposed “discipline” that was suggested after her breach of ethics when she gave her “commercial” re Ivanka’s clothing line. Who wants to take bets that’s what the WH will say if asked about what action was taken regarding her ethics breach?

  3. midway54 February 28, 2017

    She has followed this pattern for too many years on behalf of the plutocrats and their lapdogs and been hailed by the right wingers as their gal.

    1. dpaano March 3, 2017

      Only because she’s so stupid that she believes everything they tell her even when it’s so ridiculously false!

  4. edddoerr February 28, 2017

    Conway is despicable. She sucks up to misogynist sexist Trump because no guy in his right mind would want to be around her.

    1. jmprint February 28, 2017

      Bannon is all too happy, they make a perfect couple.

    2. dimitricavalli March 8, 2017

      Doerr’s frequent sexist and hateful comments about conservative women might confirm the allegations by Rebecca Watson and other “intersectional/social justice warrior” feminists that sexism is widespread in secular humanist and atheist circles.

      Of course, it’s only “abuse” when it happens to someone on your side.

      1. Edd Doerr March 8, 2017

        Cavalli is all set. I am not at all sexist and have long championed women’s rights of conscience, unlike Mr Cavalli.

  5. dpaano March 3, 2017

    She must be distantly related to another weirdo……Sarah Palin! They’re both equally hilarious!

    1. InformedVoter March 4, 2017

      Hello racist and bigot; obviously you don’t do your homework.

  6. InformedVoter March 4, 2017

    As usual, it turns out President Trump was correct and the FAKE MSM was hiding the truth.


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